The light breeze gushes and becomes splendid wind. I raise my palm with my fingers open wide trying to caress the gold of sun. My fingers tingle from warmth that sun emanates but I cannot touch him. His light escapes from the gap between my fingers and fills my vision. It fills my world and consumes me with it’s rays but dare I or not,I cannot touch it. I put my arm down collecting warmth in my fist, opening my eyes, my world is filled upto brim. Such a shocking nature is of sun it gives light in abundance, keep you cosy, but never lets you reach him. It burns itself in a volcanic combustion so consumed in his fury and none dare to be near. In infinity he lives alone among stars. A source of energy to otherwise dark world, night is filled with millions of stars but none are sun to midnight blue reverie. In the embrace of warm light I am protected from iniquity of darkness.
I cannot protest about the shadow keeping me company in solitary times because it seem more like a blessing of him then gloomy figure with murky past.
I will bemuse as I squint my eyes and see colors like red, blue or green whenever I try to gaze directly at the source.
I move along in the path where his light coerce me to be brave and take my lead.
I confer into a miraculous journey never to worry about night, waiting until the Sun rises again.
Note:I wrote this piece with minimal care for grammar, lot of vivid imagination and exuberance of over-thinking while having no-time. I hope I can be forgiven but not forgotten by the reader.
Hmmm… So when you reach the age of 24. What do you worry about the most? Vanity, Career, Education; whether it is Fiesta tonight or Siesta. Well, add to the amalgamation of these worries I also have to worry about my matrimonial Alliance, match made in heaven or Shaadi as my Maa (mother) so eloquently puts it. Oh! How I cringe and shiver thinking of it and how my Maa’s interest is peaked when she hears about the eligible bachelors. Va’ fa Napoli! To all the eligible bachelors. Ahem…nothing against the “Eligible Bachelors”, its just that I’m fan of Joey(Matt Blanc) from FRIENDS and they are the only people I can vent it on. To be frank none of these eligible bachelors have done anything to face and bear my wrath. I have found these poor poor homo sapiens suffer the same dilemma that I do. Their parents interest are also easily peaked like my Maa’s and they too have to look at wiggling eyebrows of ever curious match-makings babes(The Aunties).
The Aunties are an interesting character who wants to see you all happy and settled in your life. It is curious observation of the said Auntie which may land you in prospective bride or groom list and it is these analytical eyes which can beat any logarithm pattern applied by a dating site. You may think I’m crazy but as I’m easily bored in a party and I had the privilege to observe the hit and miss game of matrimonial alliance. Many times the conversation with the Aunties will start with “So Beta (Kid), What are you doing these days?” And I didn’t realize till it was late that such question should either ring warning bells in your ear or the wedding bells.
If you are ready to enjoy marital bliss, through a prospective alliance which is arranged for you, things can get tad difficult when marriage dossier is exchanged between the two families. First, you maybe embarrassed by the achievements and accomplishments that your kin wrote and thought will make you look like an inquisitively charming persona but actually make other to perceive you as inquisitively superficial. Second, there might be a question of more photographs of you being required by the other person, to you know make a “better decision” because you know it doesn’t matter that you have not actually made a conversation with the said person but your look should be apt to their imagination (please note the sarcasm). In such case I had with dollops subtlety sent most annoying pics of me. And third difficult (atleast for shy and socially awkward people like me) task is the “First Meet”. Yup.. These two words says it all, you will either meet arrogance (Hello! Mr. Darcy) who has come to tell you that s/he only wants to marry what they consider to be beautiful person or money making machine. But if you are anything like me with the fate like mine, you will end up meeting an amiable person who you can atleast see being friends with and put foot in your mouth with little ketchup on top.
As I’ve reached an age (according to my Maa) where rather than worrying about my future (as if I was doing that bad) they would rather find someone who can carry the torch of my said ”future”. Like I have damsel in distress syndrome which if I think about it may have. So now I have come to realize either I should find perfect match for myself or stop whining and say I have married myself to my work or God’s work on earth. Or I could learn the tricks and enjoy little treats of Jerk for an Arranged Marriage.
Times and times again, I’ve imagined myself standing stranded in some kind of loop, holding pina colada, drinking in the sight like a lost puppy with owl eyes.
In this scenario, I’m always left feeling a sense of elation as I sit back sated in peace and relax but reality is not so picture perfect I’m afraid. The reality is an ongoing soap opera and I’m stuck in middle of everything. At the time of extreme difficulties and problems I’ve found myself enter my special “special place” from where I feel nothing but extreme calm. It’s like I’m sitting there watching everything crumbling and still a smile is annoyingly plastered on my face. It’s not that I follow teaching of great Lamas or read a book of self help gurus and suddenly started practicing zen. No! I’m as always pessimistic over thinker who loves to over rationalize. To believe in conspiracies is my tendency and to doubt everything a rare specialty. The elation and smile I’m speaking of is much more like a buzzing in my brain, a silence before my storm hits. On this time I turn into dreamer where either I’m character in Harry potter land or I picture God fighting my battles.
The God has created an entire kingdom of his from his knowledge, wisdom and bear hands as suggested in Rigveda and many other books. If my God is so capable in creating such a wholesome Brahmaan (Universe). I wish…I so wish with all honesty and self- centered mindedness that he fight my battles sometimes. Sometimes I feel so tired and so worn out, and I whine like crazy. So if God is creator and master of the whole universe I pray to him for every wish in the hopes of it coming true. Why isn’t it that he can fight my menial battles? It can prove to be a great opportunity for him to understand how disturbing these problems can be to a pest like me. But then I wonder doesn’t God and universe already play vital role in fighting my battle being Krishna to my Arjun taking wisdom from teaching life taught me. The wisdom which if I observe I’m living in every day.
He has created every piece of me, shall he not already care. Shall he not be already involved? I guess he is but a mere mortal I wish for something far-fetched. I wish to acquire his charm, her coyness, little child’s innocence and that old soul with ultimate confidence and wisecracks. And I will keeping on wishing…God, sometimes I just wish on my bad days when everything is misty there is a ray of light that clears my day. And with all honesty and bluntness I sometimes I wonder if only someone could just fight my battle and more than one time I wished it was you. I know it isn’t rational and I know I have grown stronger but if only God could fight my battle.
Ever had a feeling to be out in unknown? Where you felt nothing but just a numbing loss? In so deep filled with repentance and anxiety yet never finding the path out. You can hear voices some guiding you others thrashing you as you are not able to find your way. It is like they are banging on your skull expecting you to accept. But what? What do they want out of you? These questions keep tormenting me as I float into dismal silence. The path I paved is so different then the one I imagined and now I stand on crossroads.
Funny! How we try to make sense of this. And it’s funnier the fear from which you were running was always a part of you. It is difficult to accept that with every other quality we have also bred fear. Fear of losing something/someone ,fear of getting what we deserve or not, fear of chained into shackles, fear of being set free, fear of monsters under bed or fear of unknown. I’ve found accepting this fear and just facing them one at a time helps in finding courage. Don’t get me wrong it won’t lay down fortunes of luck to you on silver platter. You should know sometimes you will fail. Sometimes it will be terrible, I know it had been for me but to face it and still walk among billions can be quite liberating. And maybe it can lead you to the right road, the one you were destined to travel.
Amongst all these reasoning’s, I have still found myself stuck many times doing things that I don’t like or care much about. The only thing that keeps me going is love that overpowers me wants me to protect and be loyal to my loved one’s. In all honesty I fight everyday for survival from my own dark thoughts and I do it for my loved ones. For me to care is to have a reason to live, fight every fight with best of my abilities. Someday I end up really weak but like warm sun on winter day it soothes me with the fact that I fought. While I’m stuck in thick mist of unknown, I feel better that during even my darkest day I can still feel the tingle of warm sun. I don’t know what destiny holds for me, or what fate is. But I do know, I have to try to be better because one day it has to be for me.